As I sit down in seat A19 and embark on what I believe will be one of the best events of my life I am immediately deduced to tears. What's wrong with me?
After a sleepless night in which I awoke at 1:30 AM unable to go back to sleep I got up finished my current book (an obsession returned) and proceeded to get dressed and ready for my 6am flight.
Why am I crying? I suppose it has to do with what this trip stands for. I do not believe I would taking part in this journey were Daniel still here. Maybe we would but doubtfully would we have had the funds to go. Am I crazy? Not certifiable but probably bending toward a little unstable today. We just passed the one year anniversary of diagnosis.
Tomorrow marks the one year anniversary of celebrating Daniels 33rd birthday. A thirty third birthday that indeed ended up being his last. I would trade it all to have him back, to have more time, but I know that's not possible.
Last year our immediate families were preparing to attend a Hibachi dinner together. Today I am preparing to head to Super Bowl 50 as they are hosting the Carolina Panthers.
Tears of joy and sadness overwhelm me. In part due to the constant exhaustion I battle these days, in part to the extreme loss I still feel and in part due to this incredible event and also missing the Boys.
The Return to San Francisco
I understand it's a game, trust me I really do. I am not a believer that everyone deserves a trophy; that everyone wins. Life is full of wins and losses but damn this loss hurts.
You believe in a season where you feel that your spouse is present. It helps you carry on and keep the faith. It's unrealistic and unfair to yourself and a team of players however you truly believe he may be helping these guys win over and over again. To go to the final game, the game, only to come home with a loss is a blow. That loss makes you doubt your faith once again that he is still here. It may sound stupid or silly to most but you search for signs of your lost loved one in everything you do. Everywhere you are you search for the one you lost. Some look for birds, others use music, some search the sky or just seek any "sign".Today is not a day that I hang my head upon, however disappointed I am. Today is a day like every day for the past eight months, a day in which I am privileged to be here on this earth. Privileged to be attending a Super Bowl. A day I am proud to be a Carolina Panther and celebrate the season. After all it is just a football game and they had a hell of a season. And a football game cannot define your lost ones’ presence.
Meet the Author (me)
Driven by a need to help others. I have known from a young age that this is what I wanted to do. This is my very real, somewhat sarcastic, look into my newfound widowhood. I hope this site will help you as much as it helps me.