Grief is not a universal emotion that everyone has dealt with. Grief is varying in depth based on whom you lose or who you’ve lost. Different researchers suggest exactly which loss is the hardest, the loss of a parent, a sibling, your spouse, a friend, your child. It does not matter who you've lost, loss is debilitating and all consuming. I know the depths of my own loss, but it is simply that, my own loss. It is not the same as my children’s loss. It is not the same as our family and friends but it does not mean any of us hurts more or less.
The emotion that none of us is immune to is that of guilt. I no longer feel guilt over the loss itself. I did not cause the cancer. I did not make any choices in life to cause this to happen to us as a family. Mesothelioma did that. What I do struggle with is guilt over who I was. Was I enough? Was the argument worth it? How many hours, possibly even days did we go without speaking? Did I give enough? Did I provide? Was I nurturing enough? Did I put him, put us first? Was I positive enough, when I knew we were defeated at the beginning of this fateful journey? I will never have these answers. My right to choose to improve my marriage; improve myself as a wife, and be an active participant is over. It was stolen from me like so many things.
I have two choices. To be non-forgiving of myself. To cry and wallow in self-pity. To get angry at those around me that don’t fight for their partnerships. Those who take advantage of each other. OR to forgive myself and to forgive you at the same time. Your choices have nothing to do with me. I can assure you that if I am lucky enough to find love again that I will vow to give it my all. I will recognize marriage for the gift that it is. I will recognize that life comes around one time and I vow to give it more than a hundred percent, but only you can be in charge of you.
I know that guilt eats at those around me as well. People continue to make insensitive comments but I cannot change you and I would never ask you to censor yourself around me. What I would ask is that you don’t change your choices in words around me but that you think about them in general. Think and recognize the power behind your words. Recognize your power over yourself and your own life. I promise you if you are waiting for someone to come and change things for you, its’ not going to happen. You are in charge of you.
I would suggest that like me, you release the guilt. We gain nothing from feeling guilty other than second guessing ourselves and bringing ourselves down. Learn from the before and promise to make the future better. Recognize that life can be ripped from under you in no time. Remember that you are only human.
While I do not know what happens when we die, I believe we can say that we lie between two equally inconceivable possibilities: either the universe has always existed and time has no beginning, or something was created from nothing.
Either case makes each and every one of us a miracle. Do not waste your time here.
Meet the Author (me)
Driven by a need to help others. I have known from a young age that this is what I wanted to do. This is my very real, somewhat sarcastic, look into my newfound widowhood. I hope this site will help you as much as it helps me.