On my morning jaunt today Bob Seger came on. The saxophone intro of “Turn the Page” vibrated off my apartment walls. I couldn’t hide my smile.
I am in fact ready to turn my own page. I am ready. I have my big girl pants on and I am ready to do this. What in the world am I referring to? The unknown. The wild and exciting world of dating. A world that I haven’t been a part of since the early 2000’s. I can hardly compare my college dating days, if you would even qualify them as that, with dating in my 30’s as a widowed single parent of two.
I’ve debated sharing this part of my life through my blog, going back and forth with the pros and cons, however if you follow my column on Bizwomen you are already aware that the journey has indeed begun.
Because Daniel was sick and his death was not sudden this was something we were able to talk about. I won’t share his words, because those were between us but I know that he wanted this for me and for us as a family. I feel as though it has taken two years to climb out of the abyss. Two years to get my shit together and figure out how to move forward with life. To recognize that I can indeed dance on my own, but really who wants to do that?
I sat down to look at Daniel’s third video blog and posted it on Weebly today under "Daniel's journey". It is worth ten minutes of your time. Daniel was so grateful in life. He was absolutely gracious to everyone. I watched and I didn’t cry today. From his words, I’m about out of them. I yearned a bit for him but what I took away, what my biggest lesson was is that life is not a dress rehearsal and I can no longer be sad.
I am learning to regain control and grab hold. Grab hold of what I want. This is not however happening without faltering steps. Dating is like learning to ride a bike all over again. Actually, it’s more basic than that. It’s like learning to walk.
I’ve been on a few dates. I’ve toddled those first few steps, fallen down, gotten frustrated, felt like crying, and wanted to throw in the towel. A few awkward moments, a few bizarre men, however are not enough to make me give up on the male species in general. Meeting new people has made me feel alive again. Made me recognize that I am ok alone but not fulfilled. The flip side is that I’ve felt as though I was cheating on Daniel. How can I cheat on someone who's not here though? I can’t and I’m not. I’m simply living again.
A friend of mine recently told me you only have one great love. Really? Are you telling me my great love has come and gone? I can’t possibly believe that. We as human beings are capable of loving many in a lifetime. We already share love with our children and families, our friends. Why not with more than one partner? Those who’s marriages end for whatever reason should not be told that they must be alone for the rest of their lives. One of life’s greatest joys is walking alongside someone else. Sharing all those moments, big and small, together. I simply do not believe we only have one person to do that with.
Someone else told me not to share my blog with men I may decide to date. Why? Why would I not want to share my life with someone new? There will be a confident man out there who is not afraid of my past, of my first husband, regardless of how much we all canonize him today. We cannot change our pasts. This was not something I chose in life but it is a large part of who I am and who my children are. We cannot predict the future. We can however choose to do now. I can choose life. I choose happiness. I choose to love again. I may to toddling at the moment, but I have no doubt that I will soon be off and running again.
Meet the Author (me)
Driven by a need to help others. I have known from a young age that this is what I wanted to do. This is my very real, somewhat sarcastic, look into my newfound widowhood. I hope this site will help you as much as it helps me.