Why am I still drowning? Why do I still feel lost and like I've lost a piece of myself? Sometimes I'm just empty. I have become an expert at masking my emotions. Going to work day in and day out and giving it my all. Keeping myself so busy that I don't have time to sit down and breathe and remember that I am alone. Crying myself to sleep at night. Will that ever end?
How do you save yourself from drowning? How do you keep going? You must get up everyday, put one foot in front of the other and keep moving. You must find something to keep you going. Share your emotions, find people who understand what you are going through. Don't be afraid to break. Don't be afraid to cry. Know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, but make sure you GRIEVE. Things will get easier. They will never be the same. You will never be the same but make sure you take time to grieve.
For me there has been a need for "completion." Anything Daniel and I talked about wanting to do or thinking we should do has become my mission to accomplish. And I want it all done yesterday. When we moved into this home a little over two years ago we needed some furniture, we needed décor, to be honest we needed a lot of things. Most of us can't get all the things we want when we want them, however this summer I felt an intense need to complete projects that we had left hanging out there.
I have bitched about our rug in the family room since we moved in. I liked it but I never loved it. It was something I found on clearance and bought. This summer I got rid of it. Daniel would always say "just do it. Stop worrying about the money," but I am frugal to a fault. I purchased a new rug for my birthday for myself and I love it. The room makes me feel comfortable and accomplished.
I wanted new shelves for another room. I went to Home Depot, bought the materials and built some damn shelves. I even stained them. I've learned to be self sufficient in more ways than I could ever imagine.
We needed some things done in the yard. Slowly one by one I knocked those off the list and felt an immense sense of satisfaction. I wanted him to be proud of me. I wanted him to know that I was getting to and accomplishing all of the things we had talked about wanting to do.
One thing remains, but it will stay on the list until the boys are older and we can do it together. Completing these projects helped me grieve. Some widows change things, lots of redecorating. Anything to keep yourself busy. Find what works for you. And don't let anyone judge you or make you feel bad about it. Do whatever you need to make it through to the next day.
Meet the Author (me)
Driven by a need to help others. I have known from a young age that this is what I wanted to do. This is my very real, somewhat sarcastic, look into my newfound widowhood. I hope this site will help you as much as it helps me.