"What's your dad's name? What does he look like? Where is he?" These questions plague our four year old right now. He has asked these three very questions to almost every adult he has come in contact with over the past few weeks.
I have previously described the mind of our three and four year old and how he continues to try and process the death of his father. Our two year old is starting to ask similar questions as well; “I want to see daddy,” he often simply states. I try to take time each day and have a conversation with them about Daniel. I describe his likes, his strengths, and affirm how much he loved them and loved being a dad.
I wish I knew the right thing to say at all times. I wish I felt confident in handling them and helping them, but I don't. I don't have a guide. Going through this process with two young developing minds is mind boggling. They demand to know answers, plead with me to bring back their father, seek concrete answers that are abstract and not easily explainable. All I want for our boys’ is safety, good health and happiness, the same wants most parents share. I describe what I feel they can handle and describe Daniel to the best of my ability, praying that I am doing the right things each day.
All three of us have found some sense of healing through song, or music rather. Lucas and Reed both know most of the current popular music on the radio because even though I have a two and a four year old I still blare music in our car each afternoon. Right now we enjoy Lukas Graham and Meghan Trainor as well as Taylor Swift and Ruth B. We are those morons you see driving down the road dancing in their seats and singing to each other with the upmost conviction.
Driving to the zoo today for our annual Father’s Day tradition, the song “You Can't Always Get What You Want,” came on the radio. Honestly, I'm not shedding tears as often as I was, but for some reason tears swam in my eyes this morning. That’s the thing about grief; it grabs you and knocks you down at any moment. Daniel is always in the forefront of my mind, especially today as we celebrate him and feel his absence more than ever.
You were gone before we knew it,
And only God knew why
A million times we needed you,
A million times we cried
If Love alone could have saved you,
You never would have died
In Life we loved you dearly
In death we love you still
In our hearts you hold a place,
That no one could ever fill
It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you didn’t go alone
For part of us went with you,
The day God took you home.
We Love you, Happy Father’s Day,
Lucas & Reed
Meet the Author (me)
Driven by a need to help others. I have known from a young age that this is what I wanted to do. This is my very real, somewhat sarcastic, look into my newfound widowhood. I hope this site will help you as much as it helps me.