I still feel so broken. So incomplete. You don't live your life for someone else but you live with that person and you need and depend on that person on so many levels. I am not a co-dependent person and never have been. I also enjoy being alone at times, but all the time is quite different. I made it through Christmas and I enjoyed many parts of it . One of the biggest struggles with Christmas was in seeing everyone else’s complete families together. Each gathering we attended involved whole families, entire families. People with their partners, lovers, spouses.
As the New Year approaches I feel lost. I still can't comprehend what has happened. I'm so exhausted from the holidays that I sit down tonight which is extremely unusual but because I decided to sit down I just became so emotional. I’m crying, hiccupping, working to catch my breath. This is the exact reason I can't stop moving. The pain is just unbearable. I miss talking to him, I miss running my hands through his hair, I miss him holding me. I need to talk about the boys. I need to bounce ideas off of him. I need support. I need help with major decisions coming up. I feel so out of control and I absolutely despise that feeling. I hate crying. I hate feeling weak all the time.
So many people want to help but there's really nothing and I mean nothing you can do at this point. I feel helpless for myself I feel helpless for Lucas and Reed. Not only am I just sad, I know that I'm not parenting as well as I would if Daniel were here. I know that I am not as good a therapist as I should be. So on top of grieving and feeling out of control I feel somewhat like a failure. I feel that I'm feeling in every aspect because I cannot climb out of this. It’s like a sinkhole has opened up and swallowed me. I feel in some ways my world ended when Daniel died. Realistically I know that's not the truth. Realistically I know I have to keep going. I know that I've got to get through this. I’ve got to keep climbing and clawing my way out of this sinkhole. I scream inside my head sometimes at myself to get it together. Man up, People lose people every day. But damn this is so hard. I've got to be a parent. I've got to get myself together. Ive got to figure these decisions out. Everything is so heavy but I’ve got to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I’ve got to learn to live again.
Meet the Author (me)
Driven by a need to help others. I have known from a young age that this is what I wanted to do. This is my very real, somewhat sarcastic, look into my newfound widowhood. I hope this site will help you as much as it helps me.