I am round, solid, and silver. I am the ball in a pinball machine. And I am pinging.
Every time I begin to settle and fall to the bottom, seeking peace, someone flips the triangle handle and the flying and pinging begins again.
Being in this machine is hell. My own personal hell. No one can eliminate the feelings and no one can remove the pain. I feel that if I can run farther. If I can pack more crap. If I turn the music louder. If I have one more glass of wine, it will eliminate these feelings.
I know better. You must face what is trying to take you down.
Last week was the final straw. Enough was enough. I turned to the one person who had the power to help me at the moment. I sat and watched Daniel’s videos from beginning to end. I listened to his voice, heard his message and cried my body weight in tears. I sat under the window, in the ikat patterned chair, where I watched the hearse pull out of my driveway two years ago. A window that will soon belong to someone else.
There is something to be said about our house selling at this time of year. He knew the weight was dragging me down. He knew I was finally ready. The one place that brought me so much solace at the beginning of our loss was now sending me pinging as well.
His private words to me were to move forward. He reminded me of what we built together but that I had to keep living. The words were reminders to all of us that loved him to live. Not just to exist but to do.
It’s unbelievable that two years have passed. My memories are growing fuzzy. How can that be? How can you spend more than a decade with one person and those memories not be cemented in your mind? That is time. That is what happens. The daily routines have changed. The daily reminders slowly slipping away.
Because of him I am ready to move forward. I am ready to choose happiness. I am ready to open my world again. Thank you love for your strength. Thank you for the encouragement and the push. Thank you for being you.
Meet the Author (me)
Driven by a need to help others. I have known from a young age that this is what I wanted to do. This is my very real, somewhat sarcastic, look into my newfound widowhood. I hope this site will help you as much as it helps me.