“If you knew this was all going to happen to us would you still have married me?”
Daniel asked me this very question back in February of 2015, about a month after he was diagnosed with terminal cancer and a few weeks after his first round of chemotherapy. I find myself doing a lot of reflecting these days and this question always lurks in my mind. I wish I could confidently say that I responded vehemently with “hell yes I would have,” but at the time I think I just sat there. I was in shock that he was asking me this. I was in shock that we were facing this horrid monster. A piece of me believed we were going to beat this, we were going to persevere. Another piece of me felt so defeated and beat down that I couldn’t find a response. I couldn’t find my voice.
Reflection is one of those things that takes many shapes and forms. Nights are often quiet in my home and I find myself asking why; reflecting on my day, about our boys, reflecting on our marriage, my job, my parenting, who I am as a person. When I was younger I was drawn to the quote “Everything happens for a reason.” As I’ve grown a little older, I’ve found that life cannot be found in a saying or quote. It is much more complex and messy. Hard. Delightful. Elating. Surprising. Jaw dropping. There is no "reason" behind Daniel being ripped from us when he was. Everything does NOT happen for a reason. Some things simply happen. Some things simply suck and make no logical sense whatsoever. These things are beyond our control. These things are difficult for logical thinkers like me to understand but drive me to spend copious amounts of time reflecting.
Sometimes reflecting can cause you to pick yourself or others apart. Sometimes you may not like what you see and what you examine. I could have handled this situation better. I should have been more thoughtful. I should have been more careful. I should have been more aware of others’ feelings. I believe we could all be a little more conscious and cognizant of our actions.
A speaker at Daniel’s funeral described him as patient with others and respectful of their feelings. We could all take a page from this book. Let’s try to be a little more thoughtful of others and less thoughtless. Be more honest and less dishonest. More selfless instead of selfish. Be more open minded instead and accepting of others instead of viewing them through a narrow scope. Be compassionate and courageous with others. More mindful.
When you go to bed tonight, spend a few minutes reflecting.
How was your day? Do you feel good about yourself and your actions?
To answer your question Daniel. Absoluetly. Positively. I would marry you over and over again. You’ve made me more empathetic to others, more conscious of myself and others, and you give me strength every day.
As a quick aside, thank you to everyone who has been following, reading, commenting and supporting this new journey we're on. You are carrying me through each day.
Meet the Author (me)
Driven by a need to help others. I have known from a young age that this is what I wanted to do. This is my very real, somewhat sarcastic, look into my newfound widowhood. I hope this site will help you as much as it helps me.