Typically, the seven stages of grief are described as:
- Shock or Disbelief
- Acceptance and Hope
When someone first sent me these stages I thought it was a checklist of sorts that I could just move from one to the next and mark through them with a line as a crossed into the next stage. Sadly, grief doesn't work that way. It is ever changing and evolving. I have spent most of the last year in shock. I can accurately label that at this point. I still lie awake at night aching for his form and touch. I still stare toward the direction of the garage each night when it is time for him to walk through the door from work. I have had some denial and some anger.
As short tempered as I can be I have never once been angry with him. I'm not angry with God. I'm angry at the situation or at the person who cuts me off on the road. The co-worker complaining about their husband. My children, when they are acting like possessed beings.
I bargain. To be honest, I would still bargain to have him back. I would shorten my life to have some of his returned.
I suppose I have felt some guilt at one time or another but not over the diagnosis. This isn't something to feel guilty about. I didn't give him Mesothelioma. Sometimes, do I wish I were a better wife? Absolutely. Do I wish I wouldn't have picked a fight? Definitely. Laid off of him some? Sure. But those are part of being people and being married. And neither one of us were perfect.
Depression comes and goes. Its not a stable part of my life now but nights are lonely. The stress of carrying on. Of moving forward. The burdens of parenting. All done alone.
I have not reached acceptance. I know myself well and I may not get there. I'm realistic. I know he's gone but I do not accept it. I am not okay with that fact. I am just fortunate to be getting up each and everyday and learning to carry forward without him.
Meet the Author (me)
Driven by a need to help others. I have known from a young age that this is what I wanted to do. This is my very real, somewhat sarcastic, look into my newfound widowhood. I hope this site will help you as much as it helps me.