We got our decorations out this weekend. The excitement Christmas time brings has always been a favorite for me. I get wrapped up in the present buying, decorating and visits with Santa. I was definitely missing Daniel. Missing his banter, his partnership and let me be honest, his muscles to help unload and drag things like ladders around the front yard and front trees. The weather was beautiful this afternoon so I started with the outside. I mowed first (something he would have done) and then began hauling it out box by box. This is one of the times I appreciate my own obsessive compulsiveness as everything had its place and was labeled correctly.
I am a sale stalker. I buy more Christmas decor each year after Christmas has passed than prior to. Daniel used to shake his head at all our stuff but I know he really quietly liked it too. This year I had new additions such as reindeer for the yard that lit up and moved (last years clearance in January) and silver and teal ornaments for our outside trees. I think I did all right. It made the boys happy which brought a smile to my face. I left the timers as they were set by Daniel last year and moved on to the inside.
The amount of décor we have is pretty ridiculous but I do love it. I got the tree out of the box and immediately thought it was too small for our living room. This is our third Christmas in this house and I have always thought the same thing, but always battle with spending money on a new one. What do I do at 6pm that night? The boys and I go out for an adventure to in search of a new one. Two stores later we find one on sale, quickly buy it and zoom back home. I've never had a pre-lit tree before, that might tell you a little bit about the age of the current one.
A tree doesn’t necessarily fit in the back of my small SUV so after moving some car seats, getting stares from bystanders in the parking lot, I finally shoved it in and off we went. Lucas made me promise to wait until the morning to hang the ornaments so he could help. I reluctantly agreed, but I
continued to unpack other boxes. Decorations are not limited to the tree (which became plural today because I simply moved the old one to a new room!)
The stocking punched me in the gut and took my breath away as I opened my "mantle" box. What to do? I just kind of sat there and held it for a moment. It felt right to me to have it hanging.
After the boys go to bed, I unpack the ornaments and lay them out on the floor for Lucas to easily hang. I pick up ornaments everywhere I go so we have one from our honeymoon, from Tahoe, from College, from events and vacations. Pictures of the kids, ornaments with our names on them. Telling the story of us. Memories flood my brain. Tears stream down my cheeks and my breaths are shallow. Daniel is here. He is with me. Everywhere you turn you think of him. I feel like I've gotten through OK. I can’t let this ruin the Holidays for the boys. I must get it together. I'm gonna try damn hard to fight out of this funk but this sucks. I continue to put one foot in front of the other, but never think for one minute that this is easy.
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Meet the Author (me)
Driven by a need to help others. I have known from a young age that this is what I wanted to do. This is my very real, somewhat sarcastic, look into my newfound widowhood. I hope this site will help you as much as it helps me.